My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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