I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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