my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
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