if i died would you start the facebook group?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
