So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
