Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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