my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
