so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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