Swine flu. Run for my life!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
