I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I didn't notice because vodka
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
