last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
