Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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