I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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