Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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