Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
