Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This house was built for laser tag.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
