Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
