I faked an abortion last night.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
