there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Two words: blizzard sex
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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