If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I looked at my own cervix.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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