No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
