I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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