I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
