I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
