why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
