home. puking in laundry basket.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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