you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
