God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
