And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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