i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
