I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Randomize
