I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
