i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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