You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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