I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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