Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
as a side note pls kill me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
