Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
