when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
