Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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