There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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