I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
