im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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