if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
