I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
