He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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