I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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