he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
