sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
