you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
