I'm eating all of the evidence.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
