Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
