i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
