UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize